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The Coffee Break Reviews: Fifty Shades Of Grey

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1 The Coffee Break Reviews: Fifty Shades Of Grey on Tue Apr 28, 2015 11:38 am

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Sally Written By: Sally Ivison
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Okay, I’ll admit it – I was really late to the 50 Shades of Grey party. That is NOT a party I’d be interested in going to in real life, by the way, just so you know.

I refused to spend my precious funds at the cinema (because let’s face it – you can’t go to the cinema without popcorn and a Tango Ice Blast, and that adds like fifty six pounds to your ticket price) so I (completely legally) streamed the film two months later from the comfort of my living room.

The first half hour of the film was quite possibly the worst I’d ever seen. Ever.

Poor Dakota Johnson looked so nervous as Ana Steele that she seemed permanently constipated. Her little whispery voice got on my nerves so much that I contemplated flinging my leftover Easter egg at the screen. Luckily she packed that in after a while.


Jamie Dornan (who I should probably rave about seeing as apparently he went to the same university all of us Popcornography people go to) was okay. That’s about as much as I’m willing to offer. His American accent was essentially non-existent for the first half an hour, but that improved as the film went on and I stopped cringing for him.

If I could offer one piece of advice for anyone involved in this film, it would be this: not every single action has to be sexy, people! Tying your hair up in the mirror doesn’t usually mean you gnaw your own lip off. Walking into a lift isn’t sexy, guys.

The first half-hour was all embarrassingly obvious dialogue from the books, dreamy stares that would make Bella and Edward from Twilight jealous, and this really irritating bit where Ana makes a sandwich for herself and her roommate eats it. The scene in the hardware store made me physically uncomfortable (he buys cable ties and rope – saucy).

I’ve got to admit, it did get better. Not good, but better. The acting got less awkward, the dialogue less blunt and weird (although I wasn’t too impressed with, and I quote, “I’d like to f*** you into next week”) and the scene where Ana got drunk in a club was actually quite amusing.


And now what you’ve all come here to read – what did I think of the sex scenes?

Well. What a load of fuss about nothing. They made up about 4% of the actual film – there were probably more shots of them larking about in helicopters and gliders (question – why?!) than there were of the “Red Room of Pain” (catchy). I felt a bit sorry for Anastasia at these points. I worried that she’d actually snap in half, she was arching her back so much.

The thing that bothered me the most wasn’t the whole BDSM aspect. People can tie each other to all sorts of things as long as they both like that kind of thing.

I know that apparently the film isn’t supposed to glorify abusive relationships, blah blah blah. We’ve been told this countless times. Poor Jamie Dornan has to insist that it’s a “love story” whenever he’s interviewed about it (if you haven’t already, watch his interview on the Graham Norton Show), even though he clearly isn’t too comfortable with the whole thing.

After being told that Mr Grey would like to tie her up, hit her with stuff, oh and not be her actual boyfriend, it takes Ana about forty seconds to hop into bed with him anyway. It’s okay though, because afterwards, they sleep in the same bed. Aaahh. Cute.

Make up your own mind about the film. It’s made more money than most of us will in a lifetime anyway. Isn’t that lovely?

OUT on Blu-Ray
8th May 2015 (USA) 22nd June 2015 (UK)

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